Show me what to do.

Wow! This week has been brutal. Haiti defiantly knows how to separate the men from the boys..lol.

I started with a stomach flu. It wasn’t that bad. It only lasted for a couple days, but the recovery has been a killer. I’m assuming that I didn’t have enough vitamins in my system to begin with and then when I got sick and couldn’t eat I was completely drained. I started getting really dizzy and I couldn’t concentrate on anything. The other day I was playing color bingo with the children. I had to stop because every time I tried to call out the colors I would hesitate because I couldn’t remember the names! I was really out of it. I felt like I was drunk! I’m taking multivitamins now and its helping a lot. I’m eating a plate of rice for lunch and a plate of rice for dinner every day. I’m not getting much of a variety, but there aren’t many choices when you’re living in a third world country.

Yesterday, afternoon when I was feeling particularly run down I went to my room and just cried. I cried for all the children I’ve seen with that look of hungry on their faces. It’s a look of utter exhaustion. It’s a look I haven’t even tried to understand until this week. It’s something I barely noticed.

I thought I knew what hungry was. I’ve said many times, “I’m starving!” when I could feel my belly rumbling. But that is not real hunger. Hunger sets in when your stomach no longer ask for food. Hunger is weakness, fatigue, dizziness, headaches, and confusion. Hunger is desperation. However, maybe the realization that has broken my heart the most this week is that these symptoms are not cured by one plate of rice.  I’ve been eating well and taking vitamins for four days now and I still have a headache. Consistency is the only thing that stops the appalling effects of hunger. Before when I would see a child suffering I would hand them a plate of food and feel like I had accomplished something. I never stopped to think, that child will be hungry again in a few hours…..

“Jesus, help me! The problems are so big and I feel so small.  Teach me to focus on the little victories. Teach me to focus on the individuals. Help me to help them one person at a time. Oh Lord, my heart is broken. Give me the strength to continue.  Give me the determination to never give up even when things seem impossible. I know nothing is impossible for you. Now that you’ve opened my eyes, Lord, show me what to do next. Amen”