Doubt

"Doubt" A word never spoken of in churches. A word most Christians dare not whisper. None of us have doubts, right? All of us are 100% sure 100% of the time that God is watching over us. That he is in control.  That he cares what happens in our day to day lives.  All of us are that confident.

I wish I had no doubts...

Yesterday, I found an infant all alone, naked, and crying in the dirt. When I picked her up a single thought raced through my mind, "Does God see this?"

I'm not going to pretend like I have some kind of rock solid faith that can move mountains. Most days my faith couldn't even move a pebble.  

My doubts about Jesus used to plague me. They consumed every thought I had. Only a short time ago I would lay awake at night for hours wondering how close God really was to us. How much was he involved in our insignificant lives? Does he really care enough to intervene? I eventually reached a point where I was tired of asking. I broke down and admitted everything to God. I told him I didn't understand him.  I told him I doubted him. I told him nothing he does makes any sense to me. Then I felt God say, "That's OK. If you understood everything I did then I wouldn't be your God." At that moment I realized it's not my doubts that keep me from God it's the way I handle my doubts. I promised him that day that I would love and serve him despite my uncertainties. Now I know that having faith means believing in something even through my constant changing mood swings.  

Today, I'm not ashamed of the fleeting doubts that pass through my mind. I've come to terms with my own weaknesses. My insecurities have actually brought me closer to Jesus. Without doubt I would have never started searching for truth. I would have never cried out to God for explanations, and he would have never answered me. Many times I have asked God for wisdom and understanding and many times he has given it to me. But, when the answers don't come and I am left still questioning I don't give up. I don't get discouraged. The beauty of the Bible is that there is always something else to learn. I'm always excited for tomorrow because I never know what truths God may place in my heart.

Through my experiences in Haiti I've learned to never rely on how strong my faith is. Instead I rely on how strong my God is...

"Faith is not just "believing"; faith is relating yourself to a person. If I comment myself to a chair, it is not the strength of my commitment that holds me up, but the strength of the chair."     ~C.S. Lewis~