You get what you give

I haven't wrote in my blog for a few days now. I'm sorry for that. I was going to get on here and talk about how busy I've been. I had a million excuses why I haven't been able to write, but the truth is I've felt really distant from God in the last couple weeks.When I feel distant from him its hard to find the write words. He always helps me write, but I've become so busy I haven't asked for help. I've been so consumed with my job that I forgot what my job was. I think when it comes to Jesus you get what give. If you give more of your time to the Lord then you will feel more of his presence. Lately, I've been so consumed with teaching that I've forgotten to pray when I woke up. I didn't feel the affects of that at first, but after forgetting consistently I can really tell a difference in my attitude. The fact is, when I don't spend time with the Lord I get really lonely. It's a different kind of lonely. The kind you feel even if your in a room full of people. The kind only Jesus can fix. In America, I may have been able to ignore these feelings for a time. I could always find something to drowned out the noise of my own conscious, but not in Haiti. People who stray from God never last long in this country. This fact reminds me of why I'm here. I wanted to be in a position where I had to depend on him. Where the only thing I could count on to get me through the day was him. I wanted trials. I wanted to be shown my faults. I wanted to know what I needed to change. Everyday, he's showing me a little more about myself. He has shown me this week that no matter how self reliant I think I am I'm always going to need my Father; "My Abba". I'm so thankful that he has shown me the reason for all my distractions. So many people live their entire lives trying to fill the void inside of themselves. I'm so grateful I have discovered the one and only thing that will satisfy me completely.
"Thank you Jesus for making me whole. For seeking me even when I'm distracted. Thank you for you patience. I love you, Lord, because you first loved me."

Welcome to Haiti

I arrived in Haiti safely yesterday afternoon. Its usually a three hour drive home from the airport, but yesterday we ran into traffic. We got stuck in a stand still traffic jam for 5 hours. I was in the back seat of an extended cab truck with two other people and a three year old sitting on my lap. The three year old and I both fell asleep for about an hour. When I woke up I discovered she had peed all over me! I turned the light on in the truck and she's sitting on my lap looking at me with a grin on her face. I said, "Did you pee?". She said, "Nope". I think she was lying.
Waiting in a five hour traffic jam covered in pee......Welcome to Haiti.

Happy Thanksgiving

Surprise! I got to come home to spend Thanksgiving with my family. Its so good to be home, but its only day one and I'm already missing my kids in Haiti. I'm looking forward to eating some turkey on Thursday. I'll be back in Haiti by Friday night, and I'll continue writing my blog then.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Remember to thank God for all you have!

Pole Town U.S.A.

I did not write this. I read it in a text book for a bible course I'm taking. While I was reading it I felt God tell me to put this in my blog. I don't understand why he would want this story in my blog, but I don't understand many things God does. I stopped asking questions a long time ago. I just do it...

The Great Commission… and Pole Town U.S.A.

The old wooden bridge, some 75 feet in length arches over the railroad tracks and separates “Pole Town” from the rest of Grand Saline, Texas. As a divider the bridge is highly effective.

“Nobody,” a Pole Town resident once said. “Nobody crosses that bridge unless they live over here.”

On at least one issue Grand Saline is in agreement: If ever God needed to do a work. He needs to do one in Pole Town. In a dry county, Pole Town is where the liquor is. That is where the drugs are, and much of the merchandise taken in burglaries on the north and west ends of Grand Saline, finds its way to Pole Town.

Even Pole Town agrees: “We need prayer over here, God knows!”

God may know it but apparently The Body of Christ does not. In Pole Town there are no churches, no missions, no missionaries, no revival meetings, and no visiting preachers. There is no evidence that any of God’s children are in on the secret: The Kingdom of God needs to go to Pole Town.

There is a church in Grand Saline that will contribute $20,000 to mission efforts and in other areas of the United States this year. Not a dollar will be sent to Pole Town. Not even a little bit of gas for the van that picks up kids in other parts of town. Not that it would help, particularly, to send the van through this neighborhood.   

“Those people in Pole Town don’t trust us,” a church deacon commented, “and let’s face it we don’t trust them.”

If tradition were to continue undisturbed, not one hand would be lifted, not a foot would fall in the name of Jesus this year- not in Pole Town.

“Go…teach all nations…”

How did Pole Town come to be excluded from our obedience to this instruction from Jesus? Could it be that it’s easier for us to believe that God can help the African heathen, whose sins, being farther away, appear reasonably manageable; but that it’s nearly impossible for us to believe God can help the Pole Town heathen, whose sins are reeling at the back door, big and ugly?

Fact is, when Jesus gave us the news- “You shall be witnesses unto me”- He put the back door mission field first.

“In Jerusalem,” He said.

Right here at home, and in all Judea, that’s the surrounding cities, and in Samaria, that’s the surrounding counties which border our Judea. Because the emphasis was placed by Jesus on a geographical area no more than 55 miles from Jerusalem every believer could be a missionary involved in the fulfilling of the Great Commission because the emphasis was placed at our back doors. Sure, we’re to be involved in the “uttermost part” of the world, but we have to start with our Jerusalem.

“Pole Town.” It is Jerusalem. It’s our responsibility. It belongs first to the believers who live here in Grand Saline.

“We need to find out how many of these people are unchurched,” one Christian man said. “We need a religious census”

“We need a committee,” a Christian woman said. “Somebody to organize a visitation plan.”

What’s needed is one person, one heart that loves, two hands to reach out, one mouth to speak, and two feet to walk the bridge. What about me? Pole Town is my Jerusalem, too, and the bridge is only 75 feet in length. What about my eyes, my heart, my hands, my mouth, and my feet? And what about your Pole Town? Have you taken a good look at it lately?

What are you doing to reach it? Or, will you try and sooth your conscience with a mission check to the uttermost part of the world?

These children are different.

Ahhhh!!!!! I have the hardest job in the history of the world!!
The children decided that the didn't want to learn English today. I told them to write their vocabulary words and they drew pictures of funny faces and made paper airplanes to throw at each other. Its so difficult trying to control them when they get like that. People keep giving me all kinds of great advice on what to tell the kids so they will do what I want them to do. Only one problem; I can't tell the kids anything because we don't speak the same language. How do you control a class room full of unruly children if they can't understand you? If anyone has any advice feel free to email me a solution.
I feel like I complain a lot when I write this blog. I don't mean to. I really do love my job, and I know the children love me. Children are just difficult sometimes. I always have to remind myself that these children are different from American children. They don't have any support system at home. No one is helping them with their homework or making sure they go to bed on time. In Haiti, kids are pretty much left to raise themselves. The adults are always to busy just trying to survive. They don't have time to be attentive parents. So that leaves me with an entire school of rebellious students that are craving attention.  Some days I want to scream and yell and throw my hands in the air in defeat. Some days I look around me and I just want to cry. But most days I know the best thing to do is stop for a short moment and just give one child a hug. Even if its just one child. Even if it's just one hug. That's more then they would have got if I would have given up and went back to America. That's what keeps me going when things seem impossible. Even if no one learned any English today, at least, they know I'm coming back tomorrow and I'm not going to leave them. I'll just have to be the support they don't find at home.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow."    ~Mary Anne Radmacher

Alicha

I'm having serious writer's block with my blog, lately. I've got into a steady routine now. Its just working with the kids and doing the same things every day. It's not that its ever boring, but sometimes there is not much to talk about.
Oh I know! I'll tell you about a little girl I've fallen in love with. Her name is Alicha. She is three years old and the sweetest baby you have ever seen in your life! There is many children around me that I love, but I could seriously adopt this one if it were possible. I don't know why she is so different to me. We just connected some how. She always comes and sits with me during church. Many times when I am teaching a class I'll look over and she'll be standing at the door waving at me. I can't figure out how she keeps sneaking out of class to find me. Every time I bring her back the teachers looking at me like, "How in the world did she get out again?".
I found out her story the other day. He mother has two children by two different men. Neither one of them help her at all. She has no job and no education. She is living with her mother, but recently her mother told her she wants her to move. She has no where to live with her babies. I don't know what to do. I want to help her, but I don't know how. One of my Haitian friends told me today that if I asked her for Alicha she would give her to me. That made me so sad. I know her mother loves her very much she just can't afford to take care of her. I wish I could do more. I wish I could take care of all three of them.
I worry about Alicha all the time. She is in my school so I know she gets at least one plate of rice everyday. But I don't know what she's eating on the weekends. She's always very quiet in the mornings. I thought it was because she was still half asleep when she came to school. However, I've noticed lately that her mood changes drastically after snack time. Maybe she's not tired. Maybe she's hungry. 
Please, pray with me. Pray that God will give me a solution. He knows the best way to help this family. I'm praying that he can use me to help them.

New Idea

I went into town today. We had a whole list of things to buy. It was good to get out of the house for awhile.  I bought a bag of Doritos while I was there. They were good, but now my stomach hurts. My poor body just can’t handle American food anymore. Makes me wonder what they put in that stuff!  It happens to me every time I eat any American snack. 

I’ve figured out a better way to teach the children at my house. Before, I would try and round all the kids up after school. I would say, “It’s time for English class.” The kids would come and sit at our dining room table moping and complaining that they wanted to go play. They didn’t like school! So the other day I just asked a couple of the kids if they wanted to write with me. We sat down and started writing our names and the days of the week. When the rest of them saw what we were doing they all wanted to join in. Then before I knew it they were asking me questions about what certain things in the room were called in English. I would tell them and then they would ask me to write it down so they could try and copy it. It worked great! Every time I would write the days of the week down I would say them as I was writing. So the kids were hearing them being said over and over again. They learned them and they had no idea they were even in class.

Hahaha. I manipulated their little minds and they didn’t even know..lol. 

 I’m going to keep that up for as long as I can. Hopefully they won’t catch on. 

Doubt

"Doubt" A word never spoken of in churches. A word most Christians dare not whisper. None of us have doubts, right? All of us are 100% sure 100% of the time that God is watching over us. That he is in control.  That he cares what happens in our day to day lives.  All of us are that confident.

I wish I had no doubts...

Yesterday, I found an infant all alone, naked, and crying in the dirt. When I picked her up a single thought raced through my mind, "Does God see this?"

I'm not going to pretend like I have some kind of rock solid faith that can move mountains. Most days my faith couldn't even move a pebble.  

My doubts about Jesus used to plague me. They consumed every thought I had. Only a short time ago I would lay awake at night for hours wondering how close God really was to us. How much was he involved in our insignificant lives? Does he really care enough to intervene? I eventually reached a point where I was tired of asking. I broke down and admitted everything to God. I told him I didn't understand him.  I told him I doubted him. I told him nothing he does makes any sense to me. Then I felt God say, "That's OK. If you understood everything I did then I wouldn't be your God." At that moment I realized it's not my doubts that keep me from God it's the way I handle my doubts. I promised him that day that I would love and serve him despite my uncertainties. Now I know that having faith means believing in something even through my constant changing mood swings.  

Today, I'm not ashamed of the fleeting doubts that pass through my mind. I've come to terms with my own weaknesses. My insecurities have actually brought me closer to Jesus. Without doubt I would have never started searching for truth. I would have never cried out to God for explanations, and he would have never answered me. Many times I have asked God for wisdom and understanding and many times he has given it to me. But, when the answers don't come and I am left still questioning I don't give up. I don't get discouraged. The beauty of the Bible is that there is always something else to learn. I'm always excited for tomorrow because I never know what truths God may place in my heart.

Through my experiences in Haiti I've learned to never rely on how strong my faith is. Instead I rely on how strong my God is...

"Faith is not just "believing"; faith is relating yourself to a person. If I comment myself to a chair, it is not the strength of my commitment that holds me up, but the strength of the chair."     ~C.S. Lewis~

Culture Shock

I walked in my house today and there was a giant dead pig laying in a wheel barrel sitting in my dinning room. I calmly asked my Haitian family, "Why is there a dead pig in a wheel barrel sitting in our house?" They answered, "If we put it outside the dogs may eat it and were planning on cooking it for dinner tonight."

If anyone wants to lose weight you can come visit me in Haiti. I guarantee the pounds will fall right off of you :)

He came through

I just got my hair braided by four little girls. I took pictures of it, but I look so silly I don't want to post them..lol.
The girls thought it was hysterical. I normally don't let the little kids play with my hair because they always pull on it, but I gave in today. They love fixing it and brushing it. I guess because it feels different then their hair.
My health has been so much better the last two days. My attitude has improved greatly too. Thank you Jesus for getting me out of that rut!
Last week was honestly one of the hardest weeks of my life. I was sick and tired and I felt like I had no one to turn to. Everything around me is different. I felt like I was living on another planet. But then I realized Jesus was not different. No matter where I go or what changes He always stays the same. He's the same now as he was at the very beginning of creation. Last week, that thought gave me so much comfort.
I feel like I'm closer to Him now. When I had no one else to lean on. When I had no one else to cry to I went to God. I asked for courage and comfort and protection, but mostly I just sat quietly and told him I loved him. I told him I needed him. I told him I trusted him. After that I was comforted. He pulled me up out of the sour mood I was in and now I have twice as much strength to keep going. I have twice as much passion for my work. I have twice as much patience with my children. I'm finally at the place now that I have energy after school to tutor extra children. I'm starting to develop a routine  now, and it feels like every things running a lot smoother.
There is no way I could be doing any of this if it wasn't for the strength God has given to me. All the glory goes to Him. Last week if I wouldn't have ended up on my knees I would have ended up on a plane home. I didn't give up though. I looked towards God for help, and just like always He came through.

Show me what to do.

Wow! This week has been brutal. Haiti defiantly knows how to separate the men from the boys..lol.

I started with a stomach flu. It wasn’t that bad. It only lasted for a couple days, but the recovery has been a killer. I’m assuming that I didn’t have enough vitamins in my system to begin with and then when I got sick and couldn’t eat I was completely drained. I started getting really dizzy and I couldn’t concentrate on anything. The other day I was playing color bingo with the children. I had to stop because every time I tried to call out the colors I would hesitate because I couldn’t remember the names! I was really out of it. I felt like I was drunk! I’m taking multivitamins now and its helping a lot. I’m eating a plate of rice for lunch and a plate of rice for dinner every day. I’m not getting much of a variety, but there aren’t many choices when you’re living in a third world country.

Yesterday, afternoon when I was feeling particularly run down I went to my room and just cried. I cried for all the children I’ve seen with that look of hungry on their faces. It’s a look of utter exhaustion. It’s a look I haven’t even tried to understand until this week. It’s something I barely noticed.

I thought I knew what hungry was. I’ve said many times, “I’m starving!” when I could feel my belly rumbling. But that is not real hunger. Hunger sets in when your stomach no longer ask for food. Hunger is weakness, fatigue, dizziness, headaches, and confusion. Hunger is desperation. However, maybe the realization that has broken my heart the most this week is that these symptoms are not cured by one plate of rice.  I’ve been eating well and taking vitamins for four days now and I still have a headache. Consistency is the only thing that stops the appalling effects of hunger. Before when I would see a child suffering I would hand them a plate of food and feel like I had accomplished something. I never stopped to think, that child will be hungry again in a few hours…..

“Jesus, help me! The problems are so big and I feel so small.  Teach me to focus on the little victories. Teach me to focus on the individuals. Help me to help them one person at a time. Oh Lord, my heart is broken. Give me the strength to continue.  Give me the determination to never give up even when things seem impossible. I know nothing is impossible for you. Now that you’ve opened my eyes, Lord, show me what to do next. Amen”

Honesty

There is a young man that lives in the house with us. He has lived here since he was a child. His father was a voodoo priest, but since he was raised at our children’s home he has been a Christian most of his life. He has a very easy going personality, and he’s constantly laughing about something. I never met anyone that laughs as much as him. He also likes to tease me about not being able to speak Creole.  I suppose he thinks I should be learning faster then what I am.

The other night he and I went to pray for a sick girl that lives on our property.  She has been sick for a very long time. Despite my best efforts to stay positive, I’m really afraid that she will die soon.  I began whispering a quiet prayer asking Jesus to heal the woman’s body, and ease her suffering. As I was praying I could easily here the young man praying beside me. I cannot understand Creole very well but I could hear his emotions. He was crying out to God. He was pleading with him. Then he began to weep. He wasn’t just crying he was weeping. I stopped praying at that point and just watched him. Here was a strong, 23 year old man, down on his knees weeping. It was the most precious thing I have ever seen. It actually happened a few days ago, but it took me awhile to figure out how to put it into words.  I know the Creole word for “why” it’s “poukisa”. He said this over and over as we were kneeling beside one another. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone pray like that. It was so honest.

I’ve been thinking about the type of relationship he must have with God. He didn’t understand the situation he was facing and he was demanding answers. Is that so wrong? Is his faith any less than mine because he asked why and I did not? After seeing the purity in that man’s pray I believe now more than ever that God wants honesty more than understanding. He wants a real relationship. If you ever read the book of Psalms you can see what an honest relationship with God is. King David wrote this book and God said he was man after his own heart. David was honest. He didn’t hesitate to ask “why”. He told God exactly what he was feeling even if those feelings weren’t always appropriate. When he was angry he spoke to God. When he was sad he spoke to God. When he was confused, afraid, or lonely he spoke to God.

What are your prayers to God sound like? Is there something hidden inside of you that you think your keeping from him? Don’t ever underestimate the power of prayer. Don’t ever underestimate what God can do for you if you open up to him. He can change your heart. He can bring you peace. He can teach you how to forgive. But, you have to ask for his help first. Don’t be ashamed of what you’re feeling. That’s just the Devil trying to keep you distant. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We are human and we make mistake, but we have Jesus Christ as an advocate. Your sins can be forgiven and your mind can be renewed.

“Those who believe they believe in God but without passion in the heart, without anguish of the mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself.”        Madeleine L’Engle 

Feeling Better

Its a Haitian Holiday so no school for two days!!! The children were up bright and early ready to play this morning. As I'm writing this I have a group of little girls sitting on my bed playing games on my iPhone. It took the Haitian children about 5 minutes to figure out how an iPhone works, and to fall in love with it. They even figured out that you can go online and buy more games. They keep asking me to buy some for them. I'm trying to explain to them that most of the games they are choosing cost money, but I don't think they understand. They just stick their bottom lip out and say, "Please, Ms. Carrie". How am I supposed to say no to that?? I apologize to any of you sending me donations. I'm afraid some of your money has been used to buy race car games on my phone.
My health is 100% better today. I had a horrible stomach flu for 4 days. Haiti is not the place you want to be when your stomach is sick. It took me twice as long to recover from it because of the heat and the food they kept trying to get me to eat. There isn't many options here when it comes to food. Goat soap is not a good idea if you already have nausea to begin with!! I survived though. I'll remember this day. Its my first sickness as a missionary. If I'm anything like the rest of the missionaries I've met there will be many more illnesses to come. But I don't mind that. Its safer to be sick while doing God's will then to be healthy doing something else. Besides, I had plenty of Haitians praying for my recovery. There's no way someone can stay sick for that long with so many prayer request going up. One day the entire church came to my door and sang hymns for me. It was precious. Everyone was asking me if I was going to leave them. They said, "Surely, you will not stay in Haiti if you are this sick." I kept trying to reassure them that I wasn't going anywhere, but I could tell they were still worried. Its an amazing thing to see how much they appreciate me being here. I didn't expect that. I didn't expect to become so close to these people so quickly. God has truly blessed my life.