My Mission

Thursday morning my alarm went off at 2:30am. I opened my eyes and thought, “It’s time to go back to Haiti.” My grandpa was in the driveway at exactly 3:00am, as usually. He loaded up the truck as I took one last look at my room before turning off the lights. Leaving my comfort zone is never easy but the more I do it the less I think about it. He drives me to the airport in the dark and we don’t say much. It’s too early and I have too much on my mind. When he drops me off at the American Airlines terminal we say our goodbyes. I hate airports. It's like I’m walking through some kind of limbo. I’m in between one life and the other. Maybe it will get better once my husband can travel with me. For now, it’s a lot of alone time and thinking.

This trip I thought about the future.  I thought mostly about what my mission is. I know that the ultimate goal is to win souls to Jesus, but how exactly do I want to accomplish that? While I was home I spent time praying about this very question, and with God’s help I think I found an answer.…

My mission in Haiti is to strive everyday to understand and embody perfect love.

I want to love my husband. I want him to know that I believe he can be and do anything he wants.

I want to love my son. I want him to have a home he can come to where he feels accepted and comfortable. I want this house to be their refuge.

I want to love the children in my programs. I want to love them when they are sick and afraid. I want to love them when they lie and fight amongst themselves. I want to love them with praise and discipline.

I want to love the widows. I want to show them the light of Jesus when they are sitting in the darkness of abandoned buildings and back alleys.  I want to see them, not as another victim of a corrupted culture, but as a sister in Christ.

I want to love the prisoners. I want to believe that they are more than the sin that has overtaken their lives. I want to love them when they make obscene gestures and roll their eyes at the message of the gospel. I want to show them consistency with my love until they are forced to stop and ask why.

Lastly, I want to love myself. I want to remember the promises that were made to me by my Father. I’m not perfect and I can’t do it all, but he is and he can. His yoke is easy and his burden is light. He takes care of the heavy lifting all I have to do is love…..

This is my mission statement. I pray I will always strive for this no matter where I find myself.

“If I could speak all the languages of the earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

                                            

A Beautiful Plan

I feel like so many things have happened that has been leading up to what took place yesterday. God had it all lined up from the beginning I just couldn't see the whole picture until now.

There is two young girls doing a 2 month internship in the town that I live in. We've become friends in the short time they've been here and yesterday they asked if I could take them to the prison. They had heard me tell stories about it and they were intrigued. So we made the usual peanut butter sandwiches and we even brought some water filters to give out.

That morning I woke up feeling very sick to my stomach. I was nauseous, which is a symptom of having an ulcer. I didn't feel like going, but I knew how excited the girls were so I decided to tough it out. We got to the women's prison and I couldn't even walk in. Some lady was in there with this strange perfume on. I couldn't stand it. I thought it was going to make me sick. The girls couldn't smell it but I could! I stood outside while they gave out the bread and did a water filter demonstration. Once we were finished I thought to myself there is no way I can go into the men's prison. The smell in there is always so bad. It normally makes me nauseous even when I'm not nauseous to begin with!!

I was standing outside of the gates. I had already told everyone I was going to stay behind but then I started to get that feeling. I don't know if you've ever experienced it. For me its a feeling deep down inside of me saying, "You have to do this." It's almost like the Lord is physically pushing me forward sometimes. All I could keep thinking was, its time for them to hear the gospel message and learn about the prayer of salvation. They had already received the audio Bibles a couple weeks ago. I knew it was time they heard the truth from me.

I took a deep breath and walked into the front door. As soon as the first door closed behind me I was hit with a gust of wind. That familiar smell of body odor and urine hit me like a smack in the face, but it didn't make me sick. I thought to myself, "Ok, its going to be alright. God's here and he's going to take care of it." I didn't know what I was going to say but I knew God had promised all of us if we step out in faith he will give us the words. So I walked up to the cell and looked into the eyes of all those lost men. I grabbed the bars tightly and began to speak.....

I said, "Some people believe that you have to become a church member to be a Christian. They think you need to wear a suit and tie on Sunday mornings and act a certain way. That's the only way you can know Jesus, but Jesus never taught like that."

I looked down and noticed one man sitting on the floor. He rolled his eyes at me and looked away, but I still kept talking.

"Everyone has sinned. You have sinned and I have sinned."

"What sin have you done?" someone in the back yelled out.

I said, "I used to do drugs. I stole money to pay for drugs. I lied everyday to get what I wanted. I hated myself and I can't blame anyone else that hated me too."

There was complete silence. A few men sitting in the back began to stand up and walk forward. Their faces changed from annoyance to curiosity. Still I kept talking.

"Someone came to me one day and said I could be forgiven. Knowing that changed my life. You can find peace in Jesus. He died for us. All of us. I can't imagine how hard it must be in here, but I know Jesus sees you. I know this because he told me! The first time I came here I looked at you all and it broke my heart. I went home and cried for days. I dreamed about your faces. Even when I didn't want to think of you I couldn't stop. God wouldn't let me forget you! He believes you can be good men. He believes you can change. He believes in you and now he's asking you to believe in him!"

One man looked up at me with sad tired eyes and said, "I've been in this cell for seven years. I want out"
I started telling them about Paul and how he wrote some of the books they have been listening to while he was in prison too. I was trying to encourage them not to be angry with God. We couldn't possibly know his plans. Maybe they were put there so I could come speak to them on that day. Then I asked them if anyone would like to ask Jesus for his forgiveness. If anyone in there would like to receive Jesus in their lives.
One by one every man stood up and walked towards the front of the cell. Some stood and some kneeled but everyone in that cell bowed their heads and repeated the sinners prayer. It was the most precious moment of my life.

All the struggles and stomach aches and aggravations all seem kind of insignificant when you finally get to step back and watch God's glory be revealed. When I first came to Haiti I remember thinking I want to witness a miracle. Well, now I have. I've seen light flush out the dark. I've felt peace that surpasses all understanding. I've watched hardened men succumb to Jesus' mercy and grace. I have loved and been loved in a country that seems at times to have been robbed of all its humanity. Our God truly is an awesome God. He proves that every day. I'm just lucky that he has allowed me to be a small part of his beautiful plan.

Learning to Trust Him

I've been back in Haiti for about a week now. It always takes about a week for me to readjust and settle in. I have to get used to the language barrier, the food, and the heat all over again. It was easier this time because I haven't been gone that long. I went back to America because I was having horrible stomach pains. I probably could have dealt with it here, but honesty I just got scared. I don't have much trust in the Haitian hospitals and it was the first time I have been really sick here without understanding what was wrong. Turns out I had an ulcer. And from what I've heard ulcers are caused by stress....
Its ironic to me when I look back on all the blogs I've posted, I'm constantly talking about stepping out in faith and trusting God. I suppose I have done that. Physically I did everything God has asked me to do. I left my home and came to a new country by myself. I stay here because I remember the promise God has made to me. I married my husband because I know deep down he is the man God intended for me. I did everything right....on the outside. But inside I worry continuously about anything and everything. I worry about how I'm going to pay my rent. I worry about weather today I'm doing God's will. I worry about what my children will eat and how I'll have enough money for all of them to go to school. I worry about my husband and his walk with Christ. I worry about my son, about my dog, about my commitment to God. The list goes on and on and on.

How do you stop worrying?

My favotie Christian author is C. S. Lewis. He once wrote  “Do not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbor; act as if you did.As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone you will presently come to love him.”

I know he's talking about love here but wouldn't the same rule apply to worrying? Worry and fear is the opposite of trusting God. Every time I begin to worry about something now I stop myself and say, "No! God's going to take care of it." Even if I don't really believe it. Even if I still have my doubts, I say it. And surprisingly it actually works. If you say something enough you'll eventually start to believe it. 

When I find myself not trusting enough in the Lord I act as if I do trust in him. I speak as if I have all the faith in the world he will come through. I know this sounds simple and a bit ridiculous but sometimes the most simple lessons are the hardest to learn. At least they are for me anyway..... 

What a Week!!

Its been a crazy wonderful week. I got married and I could not have asked for a better ceremony. It was beautiful. The perfect mix of American and Haitian culture. After the wedding we got to stay at a resort in the North part of Haiti thanks to a wedding gift from my Aunt and Uncle. It was really nice. Good food and air conditioning. Kenzy was in heaven.

Now that we're home it's back to work. I have so much to do I don't even know where to begin. Our well has been dug and I'm happy to report that we've hit fresh water. In the next couple weeks we'll begin construction on a kitchen and picnic shelter for our feeding program. I'm so excited to get started. It's something I've been waiting to do since I moved here.

Today I was able to visit a large hospital in the town of Ti Goave. I went with a group of Americans that are on a week long mission trip. They had 300 peanut butter sandwiches and they invited me to tag along while they passed them out. I honestly don't do well with sickness or hospitals but if helping people is why I'm here then there is no better place to go than a hospital. The very first room we went to there was a man who's hands were badly burned. He said he had been there for 15 days. It was a gas burn but he didn't give me any more details then that. After we passed the sandwiches out we all began to pray together. I over heard the man complaining that he didn't have any water. "If they can't give me any water then they can just take the sandwich back" he said. My first reaction was to get angry. "These people came all this way to give you a sandwich and all you want to do is complain" I thought! But I didn't let my flesh get the best of me this time. I've learned through experience that when someone is angry many times they just want someone to look them in the eye and listen to what they have to say. I mean really listen.
So, after the others left I stayed behind. I started asking him about the shortage of water and what its like to stay in the hospital. He told me about his suffering and I tried my best to imagine what it must feel like to be in so much pain and not even have cold water to drink. The hospital was so hot. How could anyone recuperate in these conditions? After he finished I told him that maybe next time I came I could bring water to pass out. That's when he looked at me funny and said, "Its not your job to worry about whether or not I have water."
I told him, "It is my job. Jesus made it my job."
Then a look of bewilderment came on his face that I have come to know so well. "Here's my chance" I thought!
I was able to give him an audio Bible and talk with him a little about the Lord. I told him I would be back soon and he said he would be there waiting. He smiled for the first time and waved saying "God Bless You" as I walked out the door.

God is truly amazing isn't he?? If I would have listened to myself and my own feelings I would have walked out of that room angry. Instead I listened to God and now I have a new friend. Maybe I'll even meet him in Heaven one day.....

He is Freedom....

I'm just finishing up a week long mission trip with the Knowlton family. I'm so thankful to have friends that support my work. I know there are a lot of missionaries that don't have that. While they were here we prayed for families on my land, visited an orphanage, built a chicken coop, and had a cook out with all the kids in my sponsorship program. But, I would have to say the thing that impacted me the most was our trip to the prison.....

I found out that the cells I had been visiting before were the women's and children's prison. On the other side of town, they have a place for the men. We went in with peanut butter sandwiches and bananas not knowing what to expect. They told us the prison held almost 150 men. As we walked up to the front gate I was immediately struck by the smell of urine coming from inside. I think the whole group was nervous at this point but I had a sense of peace knowing that I had to go in. I've learned from my experiences in Haiti that God moves the most when we step out of our comfort zones. So many times while being here I've been afraid but I focus on the task and do what I know is right and every single time God has shown up. He's faithful when we are.
We walked into a damp dark hallway and a gate was locked behind us. Most of us were standing with our backs to the wall while a 150 pairs of curious eyes stared back at us through rusty bars. All words left me as I took in the sight of all these men crammed into two cells about the size of a small living room. There were no beds and one bathroom for each cell. The men were dirty, and sick, and completely silent. The air was stale and suffocating. We began counting out the sandwiches and fruit. Suddenly the silence was broken by a man wailing in the back of the cell. Someone had hit him and he was crying. My nerves almost got the best of me at this point but I began to sing quietly under my breath.
"Your mercy reigns. Your mercy covers me. Your grace sustains. Your grace is all I need."

After we were finished I looked around at my team and noticed just about every person had tears in their eyes. What can be said now when your surrounded by complete hopelessness? But God gave me a boldness I hadn't known before and I asked the prisoners  if I could say a prayer for them. One man said, "Yes we've been waiting for your prayer." How long he's been waiting I'll probably never know. I prayed God would give them courage and strength. That peace would surround that cell and his presence would be felt. I prayed that they would see that even though they are separated from the world  they can never be separated from Jesus. He is freedom.....

When I opened my eyes the men were standing up staring at me and then they began to clap and cheer. Maybe for a brief second there was hope in that hopeless place.

I talked to the guards afterwards and they said I could bring them soap and toothbrushes next time I visit, so I'm working on accomplishing that now.

God changed me in that prison that day. I remember when I used to pray and ask God to "break my heart for what breaks his." At the time I had no idea I would ever be visiting places like this or praying for people in such horrible situations. Isn't it amazing how far the gospel message can take us if we allow it.



"Then the king will say to those on his right hand, 'Come you blessed of my father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me;  I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.' "Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You? And the King will answer and say to them, 'Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to the least of these My brethren, you did it to me.'
Matthew 25: 34-40

The Cross

I'm overwhelmed by the number of children in our program that our sick. Yesterday when we had our hotdog cookout I had kids pulling on the back of my shirt saying, "Ms Carrie, mwen malad. Mwen malad" (I'm sick, I'm sick) They have fevers and skin rashes and stomach aches. One little girl living beside me has a deformity that makes her walk on the sides of her feet. It looks painful. I don't even know how a doctor can correct that but they must be able to because I never see children like that in America. I look around me and see a hundred little tired faces with yellow hair because malnutrition robs you of even your hair color.
I get emails and Facebook messages from people everyday telling me what a good job I'm doing and how much I'm changing lives. Thats hard to believe, though. When I hold a baby thats covered head to toe in a rash and the mother tells me he can't sleep at night because the itching is so intense I'm helpless.  I pray the well will be dug quickly. I pray that we can start a consistent feeding program soon. Mostly, I pray that something so simple as clean water and food will heal my children.

I hate focusing on the problem. When I write my blog I always try to talk about the joys of living in the mission field. There are so many wonderful things about this country, but some days I wake up with a heavy heart that I just can't seem to shake.

When I am forced to walk away from a sick child without being able to provide the appropriate medicines I close my eyes and think of the cross. How can he forgive us for what we've done to each other? We live in a world where children die from lack of food and others die from obesity. Where scientist have created medicines to cure anything from cancer to depression but these people are still dying from diarrhea. Seeing the world this way makes the cross that much more beautiful. He died for us. All of us, as a whole. We have messed this world up to the point that it maybe beyond repair and he knew that was going to happen. But, still he went.......

How could I ever give up when I know that he didn't.

Child Sponsorship Program

The child sponsorship program that I started a few months ago has been a huge success. So far we've been able to buy school supplies for 70 children. I've paid a full years tuition for two of my girls. I've been able to pay for countless visits to the doctor and now we're working on getting all 70 of the children new school books. The books are expensive though. My plan is to buy half the books this month and next month buy the other half.

Here is a picture of my guys working, even after the electricity shut off. They are shorting through the books and figuring out which child needs what. Its a lot of work trying to organize materials for 7o kids!! Luckily, God has blessed me with friends that are willing and excited to help with He's work.

Thanks to all involved with this program. You have no idea the impact you are making on these children's lives.
And if anyone else is interested in helping out feel free to email me anytime......

carrieroush51@yahoo.com