Learning to Trust Him

I've been back in Haiti for about a week now. It always takes about a week for me to readjust and settle in. I have to get used to the language barrier, the food, and the heat all over again. It was easier this time because I haven't been gone that long. I went back to America because I was having horrible stomach pains. I probably could have dealt with it here, but honesty I just got scared. I don't have much trust in the Haitian hospitals and it was the first time I have been really sick here without understanding what was wrong. Turns out I had an ulcer. And from what I've heard ulcers are caused by stress....
Its ironic to me when I look back on all the blogs I've posted, I'm constantly talking about stepping out in faith and trusting God. I suppose I have done that. Physically I did everything God has asked me to do. I left my home and came to a new country by myself. I stay here because I remember the promise God has made to me. I married my husband because I know deep down he is the man God intended for me. I did everything right....on the outside. But inside I worry continuously about anything and everything. I worry about how I'm going to pay my rent. I worry about weather today I'm doing God's will. I worry about what my children will eat and how I'll have enough money for all of them to go to school. I worry about my husband and his walk with Christ. I worry about my son, about my dog, about my commitment to God. The list goes on and on and on.

How do you stop worrying?

My favotie Christian author is C. S. Lewis. He once wrote  “Do not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbor; act as if you did.As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone you will presently come to love him.”

I know he's talking about love here but wouldn't the same rule apply to worrying? Worry and fear is the opposite of trusting God. Every time I begin to worry about something now I stop myself and say, "No! God's going to take care of it." Even if I don't really believe it. Even if I still have my doubts, I say it. And surprisingly it actually works. If you say something enough you'll eventually start to believe it. 

When I find myself not trusting enough in the Lord I act as if I do trust in him. I speak as if I have all the faith in the world he will come through. I know this sounds simple and a bit ridiculous but sometimes the most simple lessons are the hardest to learn. At least they are for me anyway..... 

What a Week!!

Its been a crazy wonderful week. I got married and I could not have asked for a better ceremony. It was beautiful. The perfect mix of American and Haitian culture. After the wedding we got to stay at a resort in the North part of Haiti thanks to a wedding gift from my Aunt and Uncle. It was really nice. Good food and air conditioning. Kenzy was in heaven.

Now that we're home it's back to work. I have so much to do I don't even know where to begin. Our well has been dug and I'm happy to report that we've hit fresh water. In the next couple weeks we'll begin construction on a kitchen and picnic shelter for our feeding program. I'm so excited to get started. It's something I've been waiting to do since I moved here.

Today I was able to visit a large hospital in the town of Ti Goave. I went with a group of Americans that are on a week long mission trip. They had 300 peanut butter sandwiches and they invited me to tag along while they passed them out. I honestly don't do well with sickness or hospitals but if helping people is why I'm here then there is no better place to go than a hospital. The very first room we went to there was a man who's hands were badly burned. He said he had been there for 15 days. It was a gas burn but he didn't give me any more details then that. After we passed the sandwiches out we all began to pray together. I over heard the man complaining that he didn't have any water. "If they can't give me any water then they can just take the sandwich back" he said. My first reaction was to get angry. "These people came all this way to give you a sandwich and all you want to do is complain" I thought! But I didn't let my flesh get the best of me this time. I've learned through experience that when someone is angry many times they just want someone to look them in the eye and listen to what they have to say. I mean really listen.
So, after the others left I stayed behind. I started asking him about the shortage of water and what its like to stay in the hospital. He told me about his suffering and I tried my best to imagine what it must feel like to be in so much pain and not even have cold water to drink. The hospital was so hot. How could anyone recuperate in these conditions? After he finished I told him that maybe next time I came I could bring water to pass out. That's when he looked at me funny and said, "Its not your job to worry about whether or not I have water."
I told him, "It is my job. Jesus made it my job."
Then a look of bewilderment came on his face that I have come to know so well. "Here's my chance" I thought!
I was able to give him an audio Bible and talk with him a little about the Lord. I told him I would be back soon and he said he would be there waiting. He smiled for the first time and waved saying "God Bless You" as I walked out the door.

God is truly amazing isn't he?? If I would have listened to myself and my own feelings I would have walked out of that room angry. Instead I listened to God and now I have a new friend. Maybe I'll even meet him in Heaven one day.....

He is Freedom....

I'm just finishing up a week long mission trip with the Knowlton family. I'm so thankful to have friends that support my work. I know there are a lot of missionaries that don't have that. While they were here we prayed for families on my land, visited an orphanage, built a chicken coop, and had a cook out with all the kids in my sponsorship program. But, I would have to say the thing that impacted me the most was our trip to the prison.....

I found out that the cells I had been visiting before were the women's and children's prison. On the other side of town, they have a place for the men. We went in with peanut butter sandwiches and bananas not knowing what to expect. They told us the prison held almost 150 men. As we walked up to the front gate I was immediately struck by the smell of urine coming from inside. I think the whole group was nervous at this point but I had a sense of peace knowing that I had to go in. I've learned from my experiences in Haiti that God moves the most when we step out of our comfort zones. So many times while being here I've been afraid but I focus on the task and do what I know is right and every single time God has shown up. He's faithful when we are.
We walked into a damp dark hallway and a gate was locked behind us. Most of us were standing with our backs to the wall while a 150 pairs of curious eyes stared back at us through rusty bars. All words left me as I took in the sight of all these men crammed into two cells about the size of a small living room. There were no beds and one bathroom for each cell. The men were dirty, and sick, and completely silent. The air was stale and suffocating. We began counting out the sandwiches and fruit. Suddenly the silence was broken by a man wailing in the back of the cell. Someone had hit him and he was crying. My nerves almost got the best of me at this point but I began to sing quietly under my breath.
"Your mercy reigns. Your mercy covers me. Your grace sustains. Your grace is all I need."

After we were finished I looked around at my team and noticed just about every person had tears in their eyes. What can be said now when your surrounded by complete hopelessness? But God gave me a boldness I hadn't known before and I asked the prisoners  if I could say a prayer for them. One man said, "Yes we've been waiting for your prayer." How long he's been waiting I'll probably never know. I prayed God would give them courage and strength. That peace would surround that cell and his presence would be felt. I prayed that they would see that even though they are separated from the world  they can never be separated from Jesus. He is freedom.....

When I opened my eyes the men were standing up staring at me and then they began to clap and cheer. Maybe for a brief second there was hope in that hopeless place.

I talked to the guards afterwards and they said I could bring them soap and toothbrushes next time I visit, so I'm working on accomplishing that now.

God changed me in that prison that day. I remember when I used to pray and ask God to "break my heart for what breaks his." At the time I had no idea I would ever be visiting places like this or praying for people in such horrible situations. Isn't it amazing how far the gospel message can take us if we allow it.



"Then the king will say to those on his right hand, 'Come you blessed of my father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me;  I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.' "Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You? And the King will answer and say to them, 'Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to the least of these My brethren, you did it to me.'
Matthew 25: 34-40

The Cross

I'm overwhelmed by the number of children in our program that our sick. Yesterday when we had our hotdog cookout I had kids pulling on the back of my shirt saying, "Ms Carrie, mwen malad. Mwen malad" (I'm sick, I'm sick) They have fevers and skin rashes and stomach aches. One little girl living beside me has a deformity that makes her walk on the sides of her feet. It looks painful. I don't even know how a doctor can correct that but they must be able to because I never see children like that in America. I look around me and see a hundred little tired faces with yellow hair because malnutrition robs you of even your hair color.
I get emails and Facebook messages from people everyday telling me what a good job I'm doing and how much I'm changing lives. Thats hard to believe, though. When I hold a baby thats covered head to toe in a rash and the mother tells me he can't sleep at night because the itching is so intense I'm helpless.  I pray the well will be dug quickly. I pray that we can start a consistent feeding program soon. Mostly, I pray that something so simple as clean water and food will heal my children.

I hate focusing on the problem. When I write my blog I always try to talk about the joys of living in the mission field. There are so many wonderful things about this country, but some days I wake up with a heavy heart that I just can't seem to shake.

When I am forced to walk away from a sick child without being able to provide the appropriate medicines I close my eyes and think of the cross. How can he forgive us for what we've done to each other? We live in a world where children die from lack of food and others die from obesity. Where scientist have created medicines to cure anything from cancer to depression but these people are still dying from diarrhea. Seeing the world this way makes the cross that much more beautiful. He died for us. All of us, as a whole. We have messed this world up to the point that it maybe beyond repair and he knew that was going to happen. But, still he went.......

How could I ever give up when I know that he didn't.

Child Sponsorship Program

The child sponsorship program that I started a few months ago has been a huge success. So far we've been able to buy school supplies for 70 children. I've paid a full years tuition for two of my girls. I've been able to pay for countless visits to the doctor and now we're working on getting all 70 of the children new school books. The books are expensive though. My plan is to buy half the books this month and next month buy the other half.

Here is a picture of my guys working, even after the electricity shut off. They are shorting through the books and figuring out which child needs what. Its a lot of work trying to organize materials for 7o kids!! Luckily, God has blessed me with friends that are willing and excited to help with He's work.

Thanks to all involved with this program. You have no idea the impact you are making on these children's lives.
And if anyone else is interested in helping out feel free to email me anytime......

carrieroush51@yahoo.com

Learning to Cook

The pastor that works for our mission has been in Port Au Prince taking care of his sick son for the last month. I've really been struggling in his absence. He is such a valuable asset to our mission and the children. I feel like I've been neglecting them since he's been gone. We always worked as a team when he was here. He would round all the kids up while I prepared the food. Then he would teach a Bible lesson and I would serve the kids after they were finished. It worked pretty well. He is also the one who figured out what child was in the most need and then we would work together deciding how to provide for them. Now that he's gone I'm a little lost. Thankfully he's planning on returning for a short time next week.
Since I haven't been on the land as much as usual I had to figure out other ways to stay busy. I came up with the bright idea of learning to cook. I have no idea why I thought that would work out considering I can't even cook American food! Kenzy's mom has been here for two days in a row trying to teach me how to cook rice and beans. Sounds simple, right? Wrong! Peanut butter sounds simple too until you come to Haiti...lol

All the ingredients are straight from the garden. First we smash up a few wild onions and a garlic clove. We don't have a blender so we hand smash them. It takes forever! Then we heat up a little oil and mix it together. Then we shred a coconut. We squeeze all the milk out of it and thats what we boil the beans in. That mixed with the oil. Then you add your hot peppers and slices of green peppers and some kind of tomato sauce and these little cubes of spices. After it boils for a while you add the rice. I guess it doesn't sound that hard now that I'm writing it all down but remember this is coming from a girl who once caught her mother's kitchen on fire trying to boil water!!!! Haha. God help my future husband :)

The finished product.....

Its a traditional Haitian meal. Rice, beans and fried plantains. I actually don't complain about the food as much as I did in the beginning. I guess I'm used to it now. I've taught myself how to "eat to live" not "live to eat". Plus I feel a lot better when I'm here. I'm not weighed down with all the greasy American food. I wonder if this means I'm becoming Haitian. Its amazing what people can adapt to when it's necessary......
I've been thinking that once the mission has a car I can start cooking meals like this for the elderly. It could be like a "meals on wheels" type of thing. I could deliver that food to the prison, as well.

There is always new ideas and new opportunities to help others. I just have to keep my eyes and heart open to them.

Our Choice

Every time I have a lot on my mind I seem to shy away from my blog. Its like it takes a while to put all my thoughts into words.
One month ago my Haitian Pastor's son was diagnosed with cancer. He had a large tumor growing around his knee that was eating away at the bone. Last week they amputated his leg. They tell us now that with chemo therapy he will still only have a 60% chance of survival. Without chemo his chances are only 10%. It will be a miracle in itself if we're able to get him the treatment.
Last week while my Pastor was in Port Au Prince trying to take care of his son I was at home taking care of my Haitian son. He was running a fever of 105 and had a horrible migraine. He's only 6 years old. When we took him to the doctor they diagnosed him with Typhoid fever. An illness that I received a vaccine for in America before I came to Haiti. He obviously never got his vaccine.
I deal with illnesses everyday in Haiti. I watch helplessly as viruses run through my village affecting everyone of my children. And I am left asking why......

I pray for healing but often I am left with the realization that sometimes God doesn't heal these babies. Sometimes children die here that wouldn't have died had they been in America. Sometimes people suffer and we scream out to God asking where he is in all of this?

The truth is when I first came to Haiti I was told these people were the most God fearing, spiritual people in the world. I was told, "They maybe poor but they still worship Jesus!" This never sit well with me. When I was told this I quickly began to question God. Why in the world would a country be suffering so much if it is filled with Christians, praising Jesus all the time?? The truth is it's not....
This country was founded on the religious principals of Voodoo. A religion that idolizes revenge and thrives off fear. There are many wonderful Christian people in Haiti but there is also a very real spiritual battle happening here. Haiti has one of the most corrupted governments in the world. Its politicians constantly steal aid money and make it almost impossible for people to earn a living off their produce or livestock. Hospitals are few and far between because there is no public education here; meaning must people don't have the opportunity to grow up and become doctors.

My point is people suffer because other people are sinning. Following Jesus is not just a personal decision. Your affecting countless lives around you when you decide to follow or not follow Christ.

Yes, God could heal all the sick children in Haiti. He could answer every prayer given to him by suffering people, but if he did that then he would be taking away all consequences of sin. He won't do that. He loves us to much to do that.

God shows us everyday when you lie, steal, and murder people will suffer. When you show love, compassion and forgiveness people prosper. It's as simple as that.  Its our choice, but every choice we make will have a consequence.