Fascinating Discovery

There is a soup that I have been eating since I arrived in Haiti. I assumed it was some kind of vegetable soup because I could see carrots and tomatoes in it. It also had these little things that tasted like dumplings. Yesterday, while eating this soup I realized what the source of it's unique tastes was. There was a goat's head resting in the bottom of the stew. Yes, you read that correctly...A GOAT'S HEAD. The head of a goat, brains and all, floating around in the soup that I have been eating for 2 months now.

I'm not going to write anything else in this blog. Nothing else needs to be said.

Teach me to love.

I’m sick in a third world country…..not cool!

I’ve been lying in bed all day. Since I have no TV this has given me a lot of time to think. That’s a scary thought, I know.  I was thinking about all the times in our lives when we tell people “God is good”. When the weather is just perfect for our church picnics we announce “God is good”. When a doctor tells us we have perfectly healthy children we remember that God is good. When we see our church being over flooded with new members we never forget to tell one another, “God is good”.

These things are all true. God is good at these times, but he is also good while I’m lying here sick in bed. He is good when a Haitian child suffers from malnutrition. He’s good when death takes away our loved ones. He’s good when we are diagnosed with cancer. And, he is still good even if we die of cancer.

C.S. Lewis once said, “A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word “darkness” on the walls of his cell.”

I have decided that the suffering I see every day will not determine to me whether or not my God is good. There is suffering because there is sin. We cry out to God so often saying, “Lord, why will you not stop this madness?” I have heard people say that if God was so good then he would never allow such horrible things to take place. Ask yourself this….How should he stop it? If we are the ones causing the problems then the only solution is to somehow stop us.  He could destroy us? He could take away our free will. God must be love because he obviously has not done this. Instead of getting rid of the problem he did something that is almost inconceivable. He forgave us. He sent his son to die for us. I still can’t understand why he would do such a thing. Most of my life I refused to believe it. We are such unlovable creatures. Surely, this story is a myth. No one could love like that. It’s impossible. But Jesus did. Not only does he love, but he came here to teach us how to love.  I have come to understand that without God we have no idea how to love each other correctly. That’s why so many marriages end in divorce. That’s why many children grow up resenting their parents.  We’re ignorant of love without God. Lately, I’ve began asking him every day, “God teach me to love”. I’m challenging you to do the same. Every time you’re angry at someone, or hurt, or disgusted quietly ask God to teach you to love. He is the author of love. He wrote the owner’s manual for it. Doesn’t it make since to go directly to the source for advice?    

Its hot!!!

Lord help me!!! This country is so hot I think my brain is boiling!!! My little battery powered fan is no match for the heat today. I've been sweating since 8:30 this morning and I just can't seem to cool off. Normally it's not this bad. I don't know what the deal is today. I took a cold shower right after school and tried to take a nap but I was still too hot. Now I have less then a hour before I have to start tutoring the children living with me.
I'm praying the sun will set early tonight.
Oh ya... just a little advice, if a Haitian ever serves you lime juice be sure to drink it sparingly. That stuff is so good I've been drinking 2 or 3 glasses everyday. But apparently there is a lot of citrus acid in limes that can potentially cause mouth sores. I have 8 sores in my mouth right now!!!!! It hurts!!! Please pray it doesn't get any worse or I won't be able to talk. That will make teaching English a little difficult.

Wow, I've complained a lot in this blog...lol. Sorry people sometimes a girl just has to vent.  
Maybe I should start trying to focus on the good and not the bad. Let me try.....

I got to eat lunch today. I have a bed to sleep in. I have running water in my house. I got to eat a half a pack of M&M's earlier. All of my children are healthy. All of my children are able to attend school. All of my children told me they loved me after dinner last night. This morning I was able to give all of my children a new pencil to use in class. I got to see each one of them smile and say 'Thank you" before they left for school today.

God is still good even when its hot outside ;)

Back to Normal

Todd came to visit last week and he brought a team with him to help out. They planted a garden, nursed a very sick young lady, and painted the inside of my house. One man also came down to help get the school organized. Thank you Jesus! Things are running a lot smoother than they were.  They also brought me a ton of chocolate. The children and I have been snacking on miniature snickers bars after dinner every night.  The candy is gone now though. Chocolate never last long in this house.

I’ve noticed that it always takes me a day or two to adjust back to normal life after Americans come to visit. While they’re here I get used to speaking in English and eating foods other then rice and beans.  I also get to have two fans in my room when I have guest staying with me. Haitian animals are very noisy at night, and with two fans I can’t hear anything. But my week of being spoiled has come to an end. Life will return to normal for me. We have church tonight and this service won’t be translated into English. If I listen closely I might be able to understand a little of what’s being said.  

My progress with the Creole Language has come to a standstill. Once school started I had to force everyone to speak English to me. It helps them, but it has made me lazy. The better they become at English the less I have to communicate in Creole. I have to be more self motivated when it comes to studying. That is the hardest part for me here. Unfortunately, self motivation with anything is not my strong point. And as a missionary you have to have a ton of it to get anything done here. That’s just something in my personality that God and I are going to have to change.

“Thank you Jesus, for giving me the determination that brought me to Haiti. Thank you, for placing that desire in my heart. But I need more of you, Lord. I need your help every day I’m here. Every time I leave school I need your motivation to keep me going. Lord, you know after I work at the school I continually want to escape to my room for privacy. Don’t let me do that. Give me enough energy so that I may help the children finish their homework before dinner. Give me the energy to tutor every person who has come to me and asked for help. Please, give me patience when the children don’t seem like they care to learn. Help me to remember they are only children. Help me to learn they’re language, Lord. When they cry I cannot comfort them. When they make mistakes I cannot correct them. Help me to understand them. Help them to understand me. Thank you Jesus, for your guidance. For showing me the faults in my own life. For correcting me when I’m in the wrong. For taking the time to shape me into something better. I love you, Lord. In your name I pray. Amen.”   

My testimony

I know this is long, but I felt like it was time to share my story.....

I grew up going to church. As a kid I knew all the bible stories and songs, but they were always just stories. I never really knew Christ on a personal level. As I got older I began distancing myself from God. I was too absorbed in myself to care about the matters of a man that lived 2000 years ago. Besides, I was far too concerned with what satisfied me today then what may await me in eternity. By the time I graduated from high school my entire life had been consumed by drug addiction. No one can fully understand the strength the devil can have on a person until you feel his grasp personally. Thankfully, my God is stronger than he is. At 22 years old I was in an emergency room listening to a doctor tell me if I didn’t stop using drugs I would die.  A few days later, in a tiny back office of a rehab, I quietly asked God to help me. I prayed he would carry me because I could no longer walk. Through his unexplainable mercy He healed me. I’ve been sober for almost three years. Thank you Lord, for my freedom!

            About a year after I got sober I decided to try going to church again. I started attending Soul Harvest Church because my family had been going. I never once felt judged by anyone. In the beginning I kept coming back because I liked the music, but I had a hard time understanding why everyone was so excited during praise and worship. I had never had a close relationship with God, and to be perfectly honest I often doubted whether Jesus of Nazareth was the Messiah. I’ve always been a bit of a doubting Thomas. I wanted proof and historical facts before I committed to something so important. Like Thomas, I wanted to see the scars on Jesus’ hands before I believed. Fortunately for me, Jesus knows my heart and the way my mind works. With the help of a supportive church family, a very patient Pastor, and many biblical books Jesus began showing me the truth. He was the promised Messiah, and he had conquered death.

“For the Lord gives wisdom; From His mouth come knowledge and understanding.”

            ~Proverbs 2:6~

           

That following spring I was baptized. Shortly after my baptism I visited a doctor where I learned my liver was no long functioning properly. After a blood test I was diagnosed with Hepatitis.  I was in shock. I had just given my life over to the Lord. How could he have let this happen? Through many long nights of prayer I began to realize it wasn’t God’s fault I was sick it was mine. I had fallen away from God and these were the consequences of my actions. Once I took responsibility for my own mistakes things became a lot easier. Instead of arguing with the Lord I asked for forgiveness, and I found my peace.

            Eventually Jesus led me to a wonderful doctor who could offer me treatment. The treatment was injections once a week for a year. It was said to be extremely hard to handle. The medicine had many horrible side effects, and it could be compared to chemo therapy. Fevers, vomiting, weight loss, hair loss, and anemia was just a few of the risks. Plus, the treatment was only 50% affective. To say the least, I was scared. I knew I had to put my faith in God.

            The first night I gave myself an injection I was shaking so badly I could barley hold the needle. I went to bed that night thinking the next morning I would be extremely sick, but I wasn’t. I felt perfectly fine. I even had enough energy to walk my dog. The doctors told me it may take awhile for the medicine to build up in my system. I spent some time waiting to become sick, but the sickness never came. Within two weeks of taking my first injection my liver was normal and the virus was completely gone. They gave me many more test, but couldn’t find anything wrong. God had healed me quickly and painlessly! My doctors were amazed. They said no one had ever responded so well to this treatment. I continued taking the medicine for the remainder of the year. Besides a little fatigue now and then I was perfectly healthy the entire time.

            Looking back, I’m thankful for the experience I went through. Because of the treatment I was forced to be still and trust him. I spent an entire year focusing completely on God. He taught me a great deal about myself. I had the opportunity to reflect on my life and I began to realize what God had been leading me to do all along. He intended for me to become a missionary. When I accepted this everything else in my past began to make more sense. Many of the struggles I had faced now had meaning. I finally found my purpose, and I had never been so thankful for anything before.

            At first, I didn’t know where I was supposed to go or how I was going to get there. This was very frustrating. I knew I was supposed to help people, and time just seemed to be slipping away. I decided I had to do it on my own. I couldn’t wait around forever. Besides, no one was going to just walk up to me and offer a free trip to a third world country. I looked up mission organizations on the internet and filled out application after application. Every time I contacted a company I got the same response, “No”.  They would tell me I wasn’t qualified, I needed more education and experience, or I hadn’t been a true Christian long enough. It seemed hopeless. Finally I went to God. I told him of my frustrations and asked for his help. After I finally gave into him he pointed the way for me. My Pastor invited me on a weeklong mission trip to Haiti. He said the church would pay for everything. Isn’t God amazing!

            While I was in Haiti one of our team members missed her flight due to bad weather. Through a serious of unplanned events she met and introduced me to my future boss. Todd was running an orphanage about an hour away from where we were staying. He invited us to his school where we learned he needed a full time English teacher. From the moment he said he needed help I knew God had led me to him for that reason. I volunteered for the job immediately.

I’m now living in Fond Doux, Haiti. I made an agreement with Todd that I would spend  one year here, but I can’t imagine ever leaving now. In just a short amount of time I have found my new home. My place in this world has always been Haiti. I can see now that God had this planned from the beginning. There was always a small part of me that felt out of place in America. There was always something inside of me that wanted more out of life. Now, I don’t need anything more then what God gives me here. I’m not searching for answers or proof in the existences of Jesus. All of that seems so pointless now. I have my proof every time I hear one of my children tell me they love me. I have my proof every time I’m able to give a hot plate of food to a hungry mother and baby. In Haiti, every time the wind blows through my hair and cools me off I find all the proof I need.

            Because I have obeyed God and I am fulfilling his purpose for my life everything I do feels like worship. I work hard every day to show my children that I love them. This I do so that I may honor the Lord. You can’t imagine the joy He has placed in my life because I simply do what he asks of me. I can’t describe my happiness. I won’t even try. Something’s are meant to be felt and not said.

            I hope that by writing this some of you may follow in my footsteps. I pray others can learn from my example. I don’t believe everyone is suppose to travel to far away countries, but I do believe we are called to abandoned are own ambitions and following Christ. He is calling on us all to love and to teach others to love. If everything is right with him then the love inside of you will pour out into the rest of the world. And if you receive his love and make that commitment to follow him then nothing in this world should be able to stop you from sharing your faith. What a gift He has given you. What precious knowledge you possess. Remember, God has placed his faith in us as well. The amount of faith he has for us surely goes beyond our own understanding.  He gambled on us. Trusting in people so completely that he gave us the awesome responsibility of keeping and sharing his Word. It is only through us that others may know him. How will the world ever know love if we as Christians do not show them? We have all been called. I pray you open your hearts and answer that call….     

Its to loud!!

I can look back on all the times when I thought I was stressed out and laugh at myself. I had no idea what stress was until I came to Haiti! 

Trying to teach in my school is near impossible. There is so much work that needs to be done with the basic structure of the school system. The teacher's schedules are all different. The times that each class begins changes everyday. The children get up and walk around the school whenever they feel like it. There is no order! And don't even get me started on the noise! 

I have a CD player that I'm supposed to use to teach the children the alphabet. It sings the alphabet song with music behind it. The school is so loud that if I turn the music up full blast the students in the front row can not hear what its saying. I have to yell (not talk but yell) my lessons at the kids for them to hear me. My throat is sore from talking so loud all day. We have 270 children packed into a tiny building like sardines. Its so hot that the poor preschoolers just cry all day. And what makes it most difficult is the Haitian people just accept this. They are not the type of people who will see a problem and then work to fix it. They just accept what is given to them and they don't complain. This is a good quality to have with many things in life, but not with our school systems. They have to improve or the children will never learn.   

I went on break at 10:30 and thought to myself, "I can't do this. Its impossible. Its to stressful." It took everything I had not to break down in front of everyone. I wanted to cry. I wanted to throw my hands in the air and give up. But then, right at that moment, a breeze picked up. I could see the leaves start to move in the tree I was standing under. In Haiti, the wind never blows where I live. I think this wind was different. It was cool air sent from God just for me. I closed my eyes and remembered why I was teaching. "This I do because I'm in love with Jesus Christ." I asked him to give me strength, and somehow I made it through the rest of the day with a smile on my face. I gave every child the best I had today. 

After school I crawled to my room. I slept for three hours straight! I think my mind was more tired then my body. I didn't want to move. I couldn't move!! Its was the kind of exhausted feeling that makes you think your getting sick.Then I heard a little voice outside my bedroom door......

"Ms Carrie, Ou prale legliz?" ( Ms Carrie are you going to church?)

"Wi Bebe, map vini." (Yes baby, I'm coming)

"OK Ms, Carrie. I love you"

"I love you too"

No matter how stressful things are I'll never leave Haiti. This is my home.

God's Children

We were made so we could love God, but also, so that God may love us.