A Beautiful Plan

I feel like so many things have happened that has been leading up to what took place yesterday. God had it all lined up from the beginning I just couldn't see the whole picture until now.

There is two young girls doing a 2 month internship in the town that I live in. We've become friends in the short time they've been here and yesterday they asked if I could take them to the prison. They had heard me tell stories about it and they were intrigued. So we made the usual peanut butter sandwiches and we even brought some water filters to give out.

That morning I woke up feeling very sick to my stomach. I was nauseous, which is a symptom of having an ulcer. I didn't feel like going, but I knew how excited the girls were so I decided to tough it out. We got to the women's prison and I couldn't even walk in. Some lady was in there with this strange perfume on. I couldn't stand it. I thought it was going to make me sick. The girls couldn't smell it but I could! I stood outside while they gave out the bread and did a water filter demonstration. Once we were finished I thought to myself there is no way I can go into the men's prison. The smell in there is always so bad. It normally makes me nauseous even when I'm not nauseous to begin with!!

I was standing outside of the gates. I had already told everyone I was going to stay behind but then I started to get that feeling. I don't know if you've ever experienced it. For me its a feeling deep down inside of me saying, "You have to do this." It's almost like the Lord is physically pushing me forward sometimes. All I could keep thinking was, its time for them to hear the gospel message and learn about the prayer of salvation. They had already received the audio Bibles a couple weeks ago. I knew it was time they heard the truth from me.

I took a deep breath and walked into the front door. As soon as the first door closed behind me I was hit with a gust of wind. That familiar smell of body odor and urine hit me like a smack in the face, but it didn't make me sick. I thought to myself, "Ok, its going to be alright. God's here and he's going to take care of it." I didn't know what I was going to say but I knew God had promised all of us if we step out in faith he will give us the words. So I walked up to the cell and looked into the eyes of all those lost men. I grabbed the bars tightly and began to speak.....

I said, "Some people believe that you have to become a church member to be a Christian. They think you need to wear a suit and tie on Sunday mornings and act a certain way. That's the only way you can know Jesus, but Jesus never taught like that."

I looked down and noticed one man sitting on the floor. He rolled his eyes at me and looked away, but I still kept talking.

"Everyone has sinned. You have sinned and I have sinned."

"What sin have you done?" someone in the back yelled out.

I said, "I used to do drugs. I stole money to pay for drugs. I lied everyday to get what I wanted. I hated myself and I can't blame anyone else that hated me too."

There was complete silence. A few men sitting in the back began to stand up and walk forward. Their faces changed from annoyance to curiosity. Still I kept talking.

"Someone came to me one day and said I could be forgiven. Knowing that changed my life. You can find peace in Jesus. He died for us. All of us. I can't imagine how hard it must be in here, but I know Jesus sees you. I know this because he told me! The first time I came here I looked at you all and it broke my heart. I went home and cried for days. I dreamed about your faces. Even when I didn't want to think of you I couldn't stop. God wouldn't let me forget you! He believes you can be good men. He believes you can change. He believes in you and now he's asking you to believe in him!"

One man looked up at me with sad tired eyes and said, "I've been in this cell for seven years. I want out"
I started telling them about Paul and how he wrote some of the books they have been listening to while he was in prison too. I was trying to encourage them not to be angry with God. We couldn't possibly know his plans. Maybe they were put there so I could come speak to them on that day. Then I asked them if anyone would like to ask Jesus for his forgiveness. If anyone in there would like to receive Jesus in their lives.
One by one every man stood up and walked towards the front of the cell. Some stood and some kneeled but everyone in that cell bowed their heads and repeated the sinners prayer. It was the most precious moment of my life.

All the struggles and stomach aches and aggravations all seem kind of insignificant when you finally get to step back and watch God's glory be revealed. When I first came to Haiti I remember thinking I want to witness a miracle. Well, now I have. I've seen light flush out the dark. I've felt peace that surpasses all understanding. I've watched hardened men succumb to Jesus' mercy and grace. I have loved and been loved in a country that seems at times to have been robbed of all its humanity. Our God truly is an awesome God. He proves that every day. I'm just lucky that he has allowed me to be a small part of his beautiful plan.

Learning to Trust Him

I've been back in Haiti for about a week now. It always takes about a week for me to readjust and settle in. I have to get used to the language barrier, the food, and the heat all over again. It was easier this time because I haven't been gone that long. I went back to America because I was having horrible stomach pains. I probably could have dealt with it here, but honesty I just got scared. I don't have much trust in the Haitian hospitals and it was the first time I have been really sick here without understanding what was wrong. Turns out I had an ulcer. And from what I've heard ulcers are caused by stress....
Its ironic to me when I look back on all the blogs I've posted, I'm constantly talking about stepping out in faith and trusting God. I suppose I have done that. Physically I did everything God has asked me to do. I left my home and came to a new country by myself. I stay here because I remember the promise God has made to me. I married my husband because I know deep down he is the man God intended for me. I did everything right....on the outside. But inside I worry continuously about anything and everything. I worry about how I'm going to pay my rent. I worry about weather today I'm doing God's will. I worry about what my children will eat and how I'll have enough money for all of them to go to school. I worry about my husband and his walk with Christ. I worry about my son, about my dog, about my commitment to God. The list goes on and on and on.

How do you stop worrying?

My favotie Christian author is C. S. Lewis. He once wrote  “Do not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbor; act as if you did.As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone you will presently come to love him.”

I know he's talking about love here but wouldn't the same rule apply to worrying? Worry and fear is the opposite of trusting God. Every time I begin to worry about something now I stop myself and say, "No! God's going to take care of it." Even if I don't really believe it. Even if I still have my doubts, I say it. And surprisingly it actually works. If you say something enough you'll eventually start to believe it. 

When I find myself not trusting enough in the Lord I act as if I do trust in him. I speak as if I have all the faith in the world he will come through. I know this sounds simple and a bit ridiculous but sometimes the most simple lessons are the hardest to learn. At least they are for me anyway.....